28 Oct Seeking Validation, Getting Criticism!
Recently an artist buddy of mine, bubbling with enthusiasm about his latest creations, turned to me and popped the question: “What do you think?” I couldn’t resist seizing the golden chance to dispense my profound wisdom on art, all for the benefit of my dear friend. So, there I was, about a minute into my monologue on his art when I suddenly noticed a cloud of gloom hovering over his face. Quickly, I changed gears, and right before I could shower praise on his masterpieces, he grumbled, “Huh! What could you possibly know about art, not being an artist yourself!” Ouch! The damage was done. My artist friend has since gone “ghost mode” on me – he doesn’t reply to my calls and messages, dodges me at social gatherings and platforms, and never, I mean never since, has asked me that dreaded question, “What do you think?”
And that, my friends, was just one of the many times I’ve managed to land myself in hot water.
Some moons ago, a pal of mine, who’s deep into music and film-making, and I decided to catch Christopher Nolan’s cinematic masterpiece “Oppenheimer”. The moment the credits rolled, he turned to me with that same query, “So, what did you think?” Seizing the moment yet again, I dove headfirst into my analysis, uncovering what I considered a lack of emotional depth and character development in the film, all delivered with an air of cinematic authority (by the way, you may check this post later ‘A Layman’s Guide For Reviewing Films‘). My friend listened patiently, and then, with a disdainful sign, he put the lid on the discussion with, “What could a non-filmmaker like you possibly grasp about good films?” Since then, I’ve become a tad bit cautious about sharing my words with creative folks.
But incidents as above makes me wonder why do our expectations clash when we expect feedback? Here are a few ponderings.
The exchange of ideas and opinions is a ubiquitous aspect of human interaction. We ‘seek feedback’ to gauge our work, actions, decisions, and ideas, and we ‘provide feedback’ to offer insights and perspectives. However, the process, as you would have noticed from the two examples, is not always as straightforward as it seems. People often find themselves asking for feedback when, in reality, they may be seeking ‘validation’. On the flip side, feedback providers sometimes deliver their thoughts in the form of ‘criticism’, even when it’s not what the recipient is looking for. This is a classic case of ‘expectation mismatch’. Let’s explore the complexities of feedback, emphasising the importance of clarity in communication to distinguish between validation, opinion, advice, and criticism.
Clarity in Communication
To address this conundrum, it is crucial for both feedback seekers and providers to be clear in their communication. When asking for feedback, individuals should explicitly state what type of input they are seeking. This could involve specifying whether they want validation, an opinion, advice, or constructive criticism. For instance, one might say, “I’d like your honest opinion on this, without you getting critical,” or “I’m looking for advice on how to improve, and not just validation or praise.”
Likewise, feedback providers must also be mindful of their role. If someone asks for validation, it is essential to offer words of encouragement and support. On the other hand, if they are seeking constructive criticism, the feedback should be tailored to provide actionable insights for improvement.If it is not clear what is being aksed for, stick to only ‘validation’, and avoid opinion, advice,or criticism.
Feedback: A Spectrum
Understanding the spectrum of feedback needs is crucial for both feedback seekers and providers. Validation, opinion, advice, and criticism each serve distinct purposes and can greatly influence personal and professional development.
1. Validation: This fulfills the need for acknowledgment and encouragement. Validation can boost self-esteem and motivation.
2. Opinion: Seeking opinions is a way to gather a variety of perspectives. It can help individuals make informed decisions by considering multiple viewpoints.
3. Advice: Advice is typically solicited when individuals are looking for guidance or suggestions on how to improve or proceed. Unsolicited advice is best avoided.
4. Criticism: Constructive criticism is invaluable for growth, as it highlights areas for improvement. However, it must be delivered with care and consideration.
The Perils of Unwanted Criticism
In contrast to those seeking validation, some individuals genuinely desire constructive criticism but end up receiving unwarranted negative feedback. This situation can be frustrating and counterproductive, as it may discourage individuals from seeking feedback in the future.
To avoid this, feedback providers should exercise caution in their delivery. Instead of launching into criticism without clarification, they can inquire about the feedback seeker’s preferences. Phrases like “What kind of feedback are you looking for?” or “Do you want me to provide suggestions for improvement?” can go a long way in ensuring the feedback aligns with the recipient’s expectations.
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What my friends were looking for was ‘Validation’ but what I gave them was ‘Criticism’. Validation is a fundamental human need, more so for artists and creative people. It stems from our desire to feel acknowledged and appreciated for our thoughts, actions, work, and decisions. Often, when individuals seek feedback, what they are truly only looking for is ‘validation’. They want to hear that their ideas are good, that their decisions are sound, or that their work is commendable.
As a final word, I urge you (note that right now I am dispensing ‘advice’) to be able spot the nuanced distinction between validation, opinion, advice, and criticism. Clear and open communication is the key to navigating this intricate terrain successfully. Feedback seekers should be explicit about their expectations, and feedback providers should be receptive to these expectations. By ensuring that feedback aligns with the recipient’s needs, we can foster a more supportive and productive interaction.
P.S.: I post this article in anticipation that my friends will read it and stop dodging me. I also hope that they grow up to show more maturity and resilience without getting so sentimental with my valuable constructive feedback. Oops, I did it again! :)
Image note: The image in the post is a variation of Oscar Reutersvärd‘s famous optical illusion. While optical illusions are intriguing, in the realm of human relationships, this phenomenon becomes a tangible reality. In this image, three individuals share a common space, yet they remain on separate planes of existence. This division is a consequence of one individual opting to critique rather than validate the efforts of the other two.
If you liked this post, then you may consider reading Taming Arguments for Engaging Conversations, The General Theory on Fitness , and The General Theory on Finance.
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